Очень длинный английский военно-морской анекдот

Nelson: «Order the signal, Hardy.»

Hardy: «Aye, aye sir.»

Nelson: «Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to Flags.
What’s the meaning of this?»

Hardy: «Sorry sir?»

Nelson (reading aloud): «‘ England expects every
person to do his or her duty, regardless of race,
gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or
disability.’ — What gobbledegook is this?»

Hardy: «Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an
equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s
own job getting ‘ England ‘ past the censors, lest it
be considered racist.»

Nelson: «Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and
tobacco.»

Hardy: «Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been
designated smoke-free working environments.»

Nelson: «In that case, break open the rum ration. Let
us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before
battle.»

Hardy: «The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral.
Its part of the Government’s policy on binge
drinking.»

Nelson: «Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we’d better
get on with it ……….. full speed ahead.»

Hardy: «I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot
speed limit in this stretch of water.»

Nelson: «Damn it man! We are on the eve of the
greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with
all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest please.»

Hardy: «That won’t be possible, sir.»

Nelson: «What?»

Hardy: «Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest,
sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don’t
meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until
a proper scaffolding can be erected.»

Nelson: «Then get me the ship’s carpenter without
delay, Hardy.»

Hardy: «He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to
the foredeck Admiral.»

Nelson: «Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything
so absurd.»

Hardy: «Health and safety again, sir. We have to
provide a barrier-free environment for the differently
abled.»

Nelson: «Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one
eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I
didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the
disability card.»

Hardy: «Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is
under represented in the areas of visual impairment
and limb deficiency.»

Nelson: «Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt
spray beckons.»

Hardy: «A couple of problems there too, sir. Health
and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without
hard hats. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too
much salt — haven’t you seen the adverts?»

Nelson: «I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the
cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the
enemy.»

Hardy: «The men are a bit worried about shooting at
anyone, Admiral.»

Nelson: «What? This is mutiny!»

Hardy: «It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they’re
afraid of being charged with murder if they actually
kill anyone. There’s a couple of legal-aid lawyers on
board, watching everyone like hawks.»

Nelson: «Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the
Spanish?»

Hardy: «Actually, sir, we’re not.»

Nelson: «We’re not?»

Hardy: «No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our
European partners now. According to the Common
Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch
of water. We could get hit with a claim for
compensation.»

Nelson: «But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the
devil.»

Hardy: «I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity
co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You’ll be up on
disciplinary report.»

Nelson: «You must consider every man an enemy, who
speaks ill of your King.»

Hardy: «Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in
this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest;
it’s the rules. It could save your life»

Nelson: «Don’t tell me — health and safety. Whatever
happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?»

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And
there’s a ban on corporal punishment.»

Nelson: «What about sodomy?»

Hardy: «I believe that is now legal, sir.»

Nelson: «In that case………………………….
kiss me, Hardy.»

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